Wednesday, July 13, 2011

An Angry Sith and a Lying Boss

This is not good.  Yesterday, Darth Sidious insisted that I take the XL319 (our new vacuum cleaner.  Read about it here) out for a test drive.  He told me to try it out on Darth Vader's room.  Darth Vader's room never gets vacuumed because he likes about an inch of grime.  He said it aids his dark side image.  The real reason is because if the room ever needs to get vacuumed, he would have to clean up his room like Darth Sidious is always telling him to do.  Well, yesterday was no exception.  Darth Vader's room was as messy as ever.  But since I had my orders, I vacuumed anyway.  I think I already said that the XL319 has a V6 engine?  Well, this made it impossible to steer and now half of Darth Vader's football trophies have mysteriously disappeared along with his his Polly Pocket collection.  (That must be worth millions.)  Naturally, Darth Sidious claims he had nothing to do with this and I am in hot water.  Darth Vader's choking glove is thankfully not working now (it needs new batteries.)  So until he can take a trip to Watto Mart, I have to think up a way out of this mess.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The XL319

A new vacuum cleaner!  That is the latest addition to the Death Star's tool closet.  This is a super powered XL319 with headlights and a V6 engine.  Yeah.  It's that powerful.  I can't wait till it gets here.  That will cut the vacuuming time for our Storm Trooper chores in half!  The only negative was that it cost an arm and a leg to ship...

Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Dark Side of Cholesterol

Oh, I forgot to tell you guys!  You remember how on Friday Darth Sidious was to see his doctor?  Well, he did and he got quite a shock.  His doctor told him that Darth Sidious had high cholesterol.  This means no sweets, no deluxe burgers from the Dark Side Diner, and no popcorn in the Gloomy Theatre.  This has put Old Sid into a bad mood and now his windows can't be too clean and his bathroom can't be too spotless.  We can't keep him happy.  A lot of our Storm Troopers were smart and suddenly remembered that a lot of vacuuming needed to be done on the opposite side of the death star from Darth Sidious' office.  It's gonna be a long diet...

Saturday, June 25, 2011


Well, we tried Operation Crash Birthday party (read some background info here.)  As you might have guessed from the title, it was a failure.  First of all, instead of climbing into Bail Organa's bedroom, we accidentally climbed into the room that houses the Organas' indoor pool.  A couple of our number bellyflopped into the pool and the rest of us looked at our map and tried to figure out where Bail Organa's bedroom was.  We sneaked out into the hall and turned left and went into that room.  Apparently, that was the wrong direction.  We heard someone coming and we closed the door.  What we had thought was Bail's bedroom turned out to be the smallest broom closet in the world...made even smaller by the large amount of storm troopers occupying it.  I think I stepped into a bucket of mop water because my boot was squishy the rest of the day.  After the footsteps went down the hall, we burst into the hall and went the other direction.  This room turned out to be an upstairs kitchen.  The chef, being very surprised to see us, threw pots and pans at us, poured a 6 gallon pot of soup down the armor of some of our men, and I think someone got leftover banana cream pie in his face.  We never did find Bail Organa's room, but if you ask me, the Organas' chef, not Bail Organa, is the real threat to the empire!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Plan

Operation Crash Birthday party is underway!  We just got a call from the Organa family, putting through an order for a large birthday cake that will need to be delivered tomorrow.  Darth Sidious said that he would be here to oversee the operation, but he has a doctor's appointment tomorrow.  (Sure...)  Anyway, the idea is, we deliver the cake, then we hang out outside of the house.  As soon as we hear people start yelling that they don't know what's wrong and that Bail Organa could use some cold water on his face, we put a ladder that we conveniently find laying around the yard somewhere, put that up to his bedroom window, climb through, and then hide in various places in the room.  Hopefully, someone will put him there to sleep off the knock out pills.  We will then cart him out the window and into our spaceship which will be camouflaged in the trees nearby.  I guess it seems like a good plan, but why am I getting nervous?  Maybe it's because the dark side always has a way of bungling things...

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Rainbow Valley

Tomorrow, we reopen our Rainbow Valley Bakery to crash Bail Organa by putting knock out pills in his birthday cake.  So Darth Vader didn't have to go into the Death Star Attic, Darth Sidious has come up with a "great" use for those pink new uniforms (read about how we got them here.)  We are going to wear those instead of pink aprons for working in the Bakery.  Guess what?  He picked the 253 legion to be the staff for the RVB.  Bleh.  There goes my manly side...

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

An Important Conversation

This afternoon as I was vacuuming the hallways of the Death Star, I overheard Darth Sidious and Darth Vader talking in Sidious' private office.  Well, okay, I had to turn off the vacuum to overhear anything...and some Admiral was singing in the shower down the hall so I had to put my ear close to the door to hear anything, but what I heard makes me a little uneasy.
This is what I heard:
Darth Sidious said, "Darth Vader, I have found out that Bail Organa, you know, Princess Leia's dad, is having his 60th big bang birthday party this week.  You know what that means?"
"Oh yes!" replied Vader, "It means they will probably have one of those big three tier chocolate cakes with white icing and those little edible decorations!  Oh it makes my stomach growl just thinking about--"
"VADER!  Concentrate!  Yes it means cake, but it doesn't mean that it will be exactly the kind of cake they're expecting... hee hee!"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," said Sidious, "that I will pull out the pink aprons and reopen our Rainbow Valley Bakery.  We then put all the other bakeries out of business for a week.  That way, the Organa's will HAVE to order from us.   We will then put some...special ingredients into Organa's cake and then give it to him.  When he eats the cake, he'll get knocked out and we can then capture him and hold him for ransom!  It's brilliant!"
"Why don't we just send some Storm Troopers in, overpower their men, and then capture him?" asked Lord Vader.
"Too messy, too messy.  Anyways, this is far more subtle and ingenious!"
"I don't know," said Vader skeptically, "how did you find this out?"
"Oh some creature named Chewbacca has created a website call  (Otherwise known as Wookieleaks.)"
"Well, alright.  I guess it is a good plan," said Darth Vader, "I'll go into the attic and get down the aprons."

It was at this point that I resumed my vacuuming with a disturbed mind.  I don't know if the pink aprons are such a good idea...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The New Uniforms

Our new uniforms arrived by space mail yesterday.  Yes.  They were as bad as I expected.  Not through any fault of Darth Sidious, we managed to get Hot Pink uniforms.  Darth Sidious put Darth Vader in charge of ordering the uniforms and I think Darth Vader got tongue twisted and mixed Hot Pink with Beetle Black (don't ask me how.)  Now Darth Sidious has to return all of them.  Goodness knows that is hard to do considering the thousands of uniforms he ordered.  I hope he doesn't have to call for each individual return.  That would mean he would give up and we would keep the uniforms! Ha ha!  How ridiculous would that be?

Monday, June 6, 2011

I have a bad feeling about this...

I don't know quite what to think about this.  Darth Sidious has been wanting to do something new with our Storm Trooper armor.  He wants to make them "modern."  Last time he did this, it was during the sixties and he bought everyone stick on flowers and peace signs.  It wasn't what I would call attractive (or manly for that matter!)  I don't know what he's going to come up with this time.  I just have a bad feeling it may be something like polka dots or stripes.  ugh.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Custom Crash Job

Guess what!  Firmus Piett (you know, one of the many admirals on the death star) has just bought a sports ship.  That thing is so fast!  It cost a lot of money, but it's got a custom paint job, nice rims, and he washes it every week.  Darth Sidious isn't too hot on it, though.  It's not because it's nice and Darth Sidious only has a rinky dinky smart ship, but rather because Piett is not the best driver in the galaxy.  This morning, our daily donut truck was coming at it's usual 7 AM time to drop off donuts.  Firmus was having a joy ride early in the morning.  He whipped around one side of the death star and spun around another.  He didn't see the donut ship until it was too late.  Yeah.  Donut's everywhere.  I remember distinctly Darth Vader looking on with a forlorn face as his favorite cream filled one floated away into space.  Ahhhh...the drama.  But now, we aren't too mad at Firmus.  His custom paint job is...well, let's just say it's unique to his ship now!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Grand Moff Frozen

Yesterday, we staged our attack on Hoth.  Grand Moff Tarkin started out leading things splendidly.  We blew up their Snowcone Station which I can tell you gave us supreme satisfaction.  We then began proceeding toward their main generator.  If we could blow that up, they wouldn't have any power.  No lights, no intercom, and no heater unit!  This would clinch the battle and we would control the snowcone treasure trove of the galaxy.  But unfortunately, we never made it as far as the generator.  We had two AT-ATs.  I was in the second one as a back up trooper.  Grand Moff was in the one ahead of us.  As we were waddling along, suddenly, the first AT-AT began to disappear.  I mean, it started falling downward!  Everybody stopped and looked down.  It seemed that the rebels had dug a basin in the snow and filled it with water which, in time had developed a thin layer of ice.  The AT-AT (which is not one of those vehicles known for being lightweight) had shot down into that lake of iced water.  When we finally dragged it out, Grand Moff Tarkin and all his crew had been frozen stiff.  Naturally we had to go back to the Death Star.  Grand Moff Tarkin has a cold and I wish his room wasn't next door to mine.  He kept me up all night last night sneezing.  Today, we Storm Troopers are going to have quite a job thawing out the AT-AT with hair driers. 

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Start Building Those Snowshoes!

This is good.  Darth Sidious is in a better mood today since he has been spending some quality time in his evil lair.  After 23.5 hours in there, he came up with what he calls a "brilliant plan of the greatest mastermind."
He held a briefing for all the storm troopers in the death star.  Under the leadership of Grand Moff Tarkin, we are to attack and take over the rebel base on Hoth.  This is quite an undertaking because we have to build snowshoes for our AT-AT's before we go and goodness knows that's a job!  Also, the rebels always manage to hold us off when there at Hoth.
Some may wonder why we attack Hoth instead of some easier planet.  The reason is that Darth Sidious has been having hankerings for snowcones lately and everyone in the galaxy knows the best snowcones come from Hoth!  If he takes it over, we can eat our fill!  Also, Darth Sidious will be in a better mood once he controls it.  Right now, the rebel scum (okay okay, I didn't come up with that phrase) has exclusive access to Hoth and is probably getting fat on those snowcones.  Anyways, this looks like it will be worthwhile!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Addictive Games

Remember I told you that Darth Sidious bought wi-fi for the death star?  Well, we have been having some issues with it.  Darth Vader found out that since wi-fi is so much faster than dial-up, he can play Moisture Farmville on Maskbook.  He is...ah, severely addicted.  There are certain things on that game that you can only buy with scrips.  The result is that Darth Sidious's credit card is maxed out.  After he sent Darth Vader to the corner, he was on the RAMPAGE and nothing we could do would please him.  I couldn't wash enough dishes to make him happy!
On the plus side, Darth Vader's moisture farm is really up and running!  He's got the biggest one on Maskbook!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


Hello all.  I have decided to start a blog since Darth Sidious finally broke down and paid for wi-fi on the death star.  Yes, he's cheap, but after a long petition, we finally got him to order it online (which was kinda difficult since we only had dial up.)  Now I can play computer games online and chat with my Storm Trooper friends on Maskbook.
Yes.  Life is good.
I guess I should give a little background.  I'm part of the Guard Squadron.  This is the group of storm troopers that make sure that everything is not being attacked by Rebels (really.)  We also wash windows and clean Darth Sidious's bathroom, but when he's not looking we just lounge around.  Actually, I got into trouble for lounging around last week.  I was talking with Storm Trooper 322 and I leaned on the least, I thought it was the wall.  It turned out to be the button that fires the big laser gun that we have mounted on the death star.  You know, the one that can blow up a whole planet? um, blasted a ship with a cargo of dish washers that were going to replace our old ones.  So Darth Sidious has put me in charge of KP until some new dishwashers get here.  Actually, I have some dishes to do...I'll talk to you guys later.